Australian Ironman Triathlon
Sunday 1st April 2007

Short Story
9:38hrs, 54th overall, 6th M35-39.
The day was going OK...but when the going got tough I crumpled. A bit like putting yourself in a good position to bag a big fish...and then you tip the boat over and come home with a tadpole. A disappointing return on investment.
However, I did learn something very valuable during the process...

Long Story
If you look up the word epiphany on wikipedia, it says something like this:
Epiphany (feeling): As a feeling, an epiphany is a sudden realisation or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something...ie, "found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture".

Now, being a bloke I don't do feelings very well, however, on Ironman (IM) day I had an epiphany that lasted almost the full 9hrs 38mins of my race. Right there, in my face. And what did it tell me?...that the pain goes away when you stop banging your head against the wall. Simple. But this is more of a story of the jouney than the destination on that day. So all-aboard for a bit of my journey...

I love having pursuits and passions in my life. They energise me, motivate me, drive me and inspire me to try and achieve something a little bit extraordinary. I like things that challenge me intellectually and/or physically. To step outside the square and not just be average. To push the limits, and then some more...crash or crash through. One of my greatest fears is not meeting my own expectations. It's a high risk approach but as the Dalai Lama says, "Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk..." Triathlons are just one such pursuit, along with Relay For Life.

I've been fortunate to be able to push and probe my limits in lots of ways, and lots of times...not all with happy endings!! When it comes to long endurance events I seem to be a serial offender at blowing up, hitting the wall, bonking, getting smashed, etc. Call it what you will. In that regard I've done it all too many times, but like a punch-drunk boxer I keep coming back for more. Wham, bam...didn't I learn last time??

But the intrigue and appeal of IM is that it's so hard to get right...to have a perfect race. Or to even have 90% of a 90% perfect race. There's just so many potential uncontrollables. However, it's been the quest to conquer and control these so called uncontrollables that has inspired me to do my utmost best to prepare for what race day might serve up. In doing so, it's exposed some of my soul and tested just how strong my inner will and desire actually is. IM race day does the same, except on that day it's multiplied and magnified many times for everyone to see.

And so the Australian IM was another step in the journey to some kind of fulfilment, of what I'm not quite sure. The whole process becomes very self focused and self absorbing, as other aspects and pillars of life fade to the background. It's something I'm really conscious of...we're freaks enough for taking on an IM challenge let alone appearing as (obsessive) freaks to those around us. But alas, for a while at least that's what it takes to become an Ironman.

Anyway, I was in Port Macquarie with some self expectations...which in itself should have been a warning sign. For me I find that expectations come when I take my eye off the ball and lose focus of what I'm actually doing. And in an IM particularly that spells danger, and I should have known it. But ignorance is bliss. My very learned swim coach allways says "Concentrate on the process and the outcome will look after itself." I should have tattoed this to the inside of my eyelids.

These expectations were born out of a combination of exhaustive preparation; experience from 4 previous IMs; and a bit of a purple patch in terms of recent race results. So despite some earlier running injury problems, I was there to race...and therein lies the key to my epiphany; treating an IM as a race is the biggest mistake of the day. And I hate not racing.

For me, a race is where you can eyeball your competitors during a race and then bust your ass trying to drop them before the finish line. It's the adrenalin, power, competitiveness, testosterone and so much more that makes lactic acid like an addictive drug. I thrive on the feeling of battling on the edge of control...holding on by a thin thread. It's a sign of a successful race...to just maintain a grip on reality. But IM doesn't let you do that. It requires you to let go, with a leap of faith, and hope the cards fall the right way...or else your day will end up as a grovel.

I'm not sure exactly when I finally realised I was a square block trying to fit in the round, IM hole. Perhaps it was about 2.5km into the swim when I thought this is getting boring and we'd surely swum far enough. Although feeling fairly relaxed, swimming can really drag on sometimes...just like now. So it was a heck of a relief to finally get back on terra firma and saddle up for 180km of riding.

Now bike riding has never, is not and never will be my strong suit. No matter what. Try as I might it's always on the bike where I come undone. And if you blow up on the bike, the subsequent run leg will never be much better. However, despite these demons in my head I was quite optimistic and focusing intently on NOT racing. Just riding comfortably. Soft pedals. Soft pedals...was my little mantra to remind me not to push too hard. Do you think it worked?? Do you also think George W. Bush is a good bloke??

For nearly 120km I actually rode OK. Almost like a good cyclist might. Problem is 120km is only 2/3 of the requisite 180km. And then my fragile house of cards came crumbling down...completely. I blew up. My limit in IM had been reached and my 'race' was over. My natural race instincts and competitiveness were being punished and becoming yet another notch on my list of serial offences. And as a result I lost the plot, and interest.

It was probably a combination of physical and mental frustration about blowing another IM (like last year), but this just wasn't fun. IM events are just too long. You can only endure them, not race them. And not racing in a race isn't fun for me.

But fun or not, I was still deeply immersed in this IM and had a long way to go. Not that I was really focused on it...my mind was racing in all kinds of directions trying to decipher what was actually spinning around inside it. What does it mean not to have fun? What do I do? Keep going, or stop at an aid station and chill out with the fabulous volunteers for a while? I was very close to choosing the stopping option, but the same fire that burns during training was still burning. Keep going and just enjoy that I'm actually part of an amazing event with 1600 other inspiring people and many thousands of others on the sides.

What I did decide was that this was my last IM (actually 2nd last), and to stop hitting my head against the IM wall. It was quite a powerful moment. I trundled through the remainder of the bike, resolute in my decision, but the fun-o-meter was still hovering near zero.

Just as any 'normal' 9hr+ day, you go through many ups and downs, and so it was during the run leg. Started OK, really low middle part, and finished really well. It felt easy, tough, hard, don't care, hard and then easy...a full pendulum swing. But I finished with a smile on my face, partly from the joy of finishing but also from the relief of knowing that I finally realised that as great as an IM is, I'll leave it to others to enjoy and savour the achievement of being an Ironman in the future. And I was happy - and relieved - about that.

I also finished with a strong thought of the late Sam Elder, having worn a black arm band in her memory during the race. This would have been her birthday.

So I can really say the IM this year was a positive experience. Although for me it was a disappointing race, it had a fantastic and really unexpected outcome. And it was great to share the amazing achievements of so many friends experiencing IM for the first time, and conquering it. What truly great results. Really well done. And well done to all the wonderful supporters we had out there, who clapped, jumped, screamed, yelled, supported us and so much more...the Tribal folk are without peers, and a better group you could not hope to meet. Thanks, guys.

How do you follow up from a day like that? Well, you'll be surprised to hear that it's with another IM in 10 weeks time (24th June) in Switzerland...but trust me...it's only because I'd already entered, booked and paid for it. Oh my god. My goal is for the fun-o-meter to rise above horizontal. And then the real fun begins with a Euro holiday (Switzerland, France & Italy) and future events that are actually a race...5hrs seems to be my limit!!

So many thanks to make. As always, to super (swim) coaches Buddy & David and our mini-community at swim squad. Thank-you. To Scott & Lisa and their top notch Zoot sportswear, Fuelbelts and eGels. Thank-you. A very yummy thank-you to Bill & Julie from the best Bakers Delight shop in the universe in Ascot Vale. Thanks to the skilled guys at Fitzroy Cycles for keeping my machine sleek. And last but not least, endless thanks to Andy, the Tribal folk and so many friends near and far for their friendship, encouragement, support and just being top people. You're the business!!